Am I Missing Something Here?

The routine at lower-priced, neighborhood diners:

1. Order food.
2. Receive food.
3. Waitress drops off check, usually around the time she delivers food.
4. If dessert is ordered, waitress quickly recalculates check and returns it to table.
   
5. When ready to leave, pay on the way out.

The routine at higher-priced, upscale eateries:

1. Order food.
2. Receive food.
3. Finish eating, then wait 10-15 minutes for waitperson to come by.
   
4. Waitperson asks if you'd like dessert. You say "No, I'd like the check."
5. Wait 10-15 minutes for waitperson to bring check. Waitperson says, "I'll take that up for you whenever you're ready." It doesn't occur to waitperson that you may be ready NOW. Waitperson disappears before you can tell him or her that you're ready.
6. Wait 10-15 minutes for waitperson to come for your credit card.
7. Wait 10-15 minutes for waitperson to return with your credit card and receipt.
8. Leave 40-60 minutes after you finished eating (and make sure to tip the waitperson 20%, because this is an upscale restaurant).

Is anyone else aggravated by this? If you like it better the upscale way, please tell me why. Maybe I'm missing something.

Mismatched Logos

The Dallas Cowboys logo is a star. It has nothing to do with cowboys and everything to do with the fact that the team is in Texas, the Lone Star state. But the team is not the Texans, it is the Cowboys.

Meanwhile, the Texans are a team in Houston. Their logo is a bull. That's directly related to cowboys, but certainly wouldn't be limited to Texans.

It seems to me the two teams need to switch logos. The Lone Star of Dallas sends one clear message: Texan. It should belong to the Texans. The bull of Houston has "cowboy" written all over it. It should belong to the Cowboys (and it still contains a star as a shout out to their home state).

Get Your Gray Ribbons Ready

October is pink ribbon month. It's also pink product month. Everywhere you go, pink trinkets are for sale. The promise is that for every dollar you spend, a few pennies will be given to breast cancer research. Some folks think it's a bit of overkill. But in making their point, they trivialize a birth defect which affects millions of innocent victims, including me. Listen to a typical example from Susan Reimer, writing in the Baltimore Sun: "You'd have to be colorblind not to see all the pink products."

Yes, I am colorblind--hang on a second while I get my tongue in my cheek--and I am sick and tired of people making light of this incurable congenital condition. Do you think Ms. Reimer would have written, "you'd have to be a paraplegic not to keep up with my grandmother"? How do you think such language makes us feel? We're already discriminated against. Whole career fields are closed to us, notably that of airline pilot and railroad engineer. Where are the people demanding a cure for this debilitating and heartbreaking disease? When we run red lights, do people treat us with the compassion we deserve? No! Just write 'em a ticket, Mr. Policeman, and let 'em pay the fine. And then there's the ridicule we endure when we wear mismatched clothes. Colorblindness may be the last birth defect that it is still politically correct to make fun of. Could it be that so little is allocated to colorblindness research because the overwhelming majority of victims are men? Just asking.

So, colorblind people of the world unite! We demand our own awareness month. November will be just fine. We invite you to join us. You can show your support by wearing a gray ribbon. Of course, we'll all think they're pink ribbons and accuse you of overdoing the breast cancer thing, but there's no perfect system.

Unexplained Mechanical and Electrical Healings (UMEH)

Yesterday, warning lights for the brakes and the ABS system lit up on my father-in-law's van. The power-assist function of the brakes stopped working (it was like stopping a car with the engine off). Today, while driving to the dealership, both lights went out and the braking returned to normal.

A few days ago, I unhooked the speakers from my computer to use them with a video projecter. Yesterday, I hooked them back up to my computer. They would not work. Zero. Zilch. Nada. I unhooked them and used the computer's tinny little internal speaker the rest of the day. Today, I plugged them back in and they worked perfectly.

Does anyone else out there have any accounts of UMEHs? If so, share them.

Life and Death and Family

I haven't posted in a while. Many of you know why. For the rest of you, here's the sequence of events:
Tuesday, September 18: Cheryl's Dad, Sam, has total knee replacement surgery in Lansing. Her Mom, Jane, doesn't feel well, so she stays at our house while Cheryl goes to Lansing to be with her Dad.
Wednesday, September 19: Cheryl's sister-in-law, Anne, calls to tell us that Cheryl's brother, Tim, who has been battling cancer for the past two years, isn't expected to live much longer.
Thursday, September 20: Cheryl and I and a still less-than-healthy Jane travel to Salisbury, MD to be with Tim, leaving Sam in a physical rehab facility in Lansing. We arrive two hours after Tim dies.
Friday, September 21: Jane develops an irregular heart beat and is taken by ambulance to Peninsual Regional Medical Center in Salisbury.
Saturday, September 22-Monday, September 24: The family plans Tim's funeral while taking turns sitting with Jane at the hospital. She improves markedly during the day on Sunday, but takes a turn for the worse that night.
Tuesday, September 25: Tim's funeral is just what he wanted--a time of rejoicing and celebration. We tell silly stories about Tim, watch a moving video of his life, celebrate his faith, and generally leave uplifted. Jane's condition prevents her from leaving the hospital to attend the funeral.
Wednesday, September 26: I return home, leaving Cheryl behind to attend to Jane, who is still in the hospital. Upon arriving home, I go immediately to Lansing to visit with Sam, who has been separated from all family during Tim's death and funeral.
Friday, September 28: Cheryl has decided to get an air ambulance to bring Jane back to Michigan. The doctors tell her that she would not survive the flight. In fact, they tell her that her Mom is not going to make it. I return to Lansing to tell Sam his wife is dying.
Saturday, September 29: I pick up Sam from the rehab facility at 4 a.m. and drive him to Detroit, where we board a plane for Balitmore. We rent a car for the two-hour drive to Salisbury. We arrive at the hospital about 15 minutes before Jane dies.
Sunday, October 1: Cheryl and Sam return to Michigan.
Monday, October 2: I return to Michigan. Family members, who had just returned home following Tim's funeral, make plans to converge in Lansing.
Saturday, October 6: Jane's funeral is a fitting tribute to her 82 years of love and service.
Sunday, October 7: Cheryl and Sam and I return home. Sam will be with us until his rehabilitation is far enough along that he can live on his own.

I don't share this chronology with you so you will pity us. Of course it's been hard. And I'm sure there are still lots more hard times to come. The prayers of many, many people have sustained us. Thank you, and please don't stop praying. However, I want to tell you how proud I am to be a part of this family. We pulled together, did what needed to be done, loved each other and supported each other. We've shed a lot of tears, but shared even more laughter. We found value in being together, and in accepting the pain as a necessary consequence of the closeness we've enjoyed for so long. Our faith is strong and our focus is on the journey ahead. God is good and after this season of sorrow, life will be good again.

In Loving Memory

My dear brother-in-law, Tim Bass, died Thursday, September 20. We arrived a couple of hours after he went home to be with God. Tim has been part of our family (and I a part of his) for over 36 years. He was in middle school when I met him: a tall, skinny basketball player with a baby face. Over the years, he became a brother-in-law, a peer, one of my best friends, a colleague in ministry, a brother (I stopped thinking of him as an in-law long ago), an example, and an inspiration.

Cheryl and I have shared so many happy times with Tim and his wife Anne: wonderful Christmases, and some of the most memorable vacations of my life. He was a fantastic uncle to my kids, a genuine servant of Jesus, and an all-around fun guy. I could go on for a long time sharing stories, but let me just leave it at this: I will miss Tim terribly for the rest of my life. But I will also be thankful for the rest of my life that Tim was a part of it.

A Community of Faithful Love

We got the call yesterday that my brother-in-law, Tim Bass, will not be with us much longer. I can't describe our sadness. I'm writing this hurriedly as we prepare to leave to be with him and the rest of the family. We need your prayers. But before I go, I wanted to share the last entry Tim's wife Anne posted on his Care Page. It's a witness not only to a life of faith (Tim & Anne's), but to a wonderfully supportive faith family that has surrounded them. Read it, then say a prayer of thanks for this wonderful group of Christians:

It has been an eventful few days. We started working with the hospice staff who have been wonderful. Tim was able to enjoy some special company both on Saturday and Sunday, and even sing out some hymns with his beautiful bass voice. On Sunday, he stood before the church, weak and on oxygen, but sharing blessings for them as an elder and confirming the elder who was to take his place. By Monday he became very tired, Tuesday he was in horrible pain and very unsteady, and today we were told by the hospice nurse that his liver is likely shutting down. He may be within hours or days of leaving us to go home to Our Father. He is not suffering very much, the meds appear to be controlling his pain quite well. There have been wonderful companions all day to share this time with us. Both our dear minister friends were here much of the day, helping assist Tim in and out of bed. Their wives blessed us with their love and help as well. Our two sons came, as well as our adopted children, Darrow and Crystal and baby Hailey. My dear sister/friend Lyn Grant helped in so many ways, from taking mom to for an MRI, bringing food, serving guests, providing nursing care, and wonderful hugs. Our amazing church family came tonight with candles and sung hymns from our front yard and prayed for us. They sounded like angels coming to minister to us, but were so special because we know and love them. Some brought food and cleaned my house. Tim's family is on their way tomorrow, except his father who just had a knee replacement surgery yesterday. Hopefully, he can join us soon. Although not comprehending alot, Tim has recognized most everyone who has come and appreciated all their love for us. On every side God has been with us, providing our needs and showering us with His love as Tim prepares to make his journey into His hands. Tim has asked that we celebrate his journey, and not remain sorrowful. He wants us to remember to live for the things that count, and I truly beieve that is what he has done. He brings love, laughter, and kindness to each day. I cannot describe in any words known to man how blessed I am to be his wife. Thank you all for your continued prayers and friendship. Anne Bass

I Can't Help Myself!

I wrote a little song that I thought I'd share with you. It's sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song:

Come and listen to a story ‘bout the Wolverines,
A bunch of loony guys, ain’t worth a hill of beans.
Everybody told ‘em they wuz gonna be great
Until they got whipped by the boys from State.
(Appalachian, that is. Boone, North Carolina. One double A)

Well next thing you know, they wuz dropped from the polls
Ain't gonna make to the title or the bowls.
But don’t y’all worry, cuz you’ll get to cheer again
For the fabled team that’s known as Michigan.
(State, that is. Green and white. Spartans.)

Vacation!

Last week, was vacation week. We went to my son and daughter-in-law's place in Chicago. Our daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter met us there. The Chicago Air Show was that weekend. We didn't officially attend, but the USAF Thunderbirds came roaring over my son's apartment with regularity, sending me running to the window every time.








From Chicago, Jason, Caren, and Maizie accompanied us to a cabin on Lake Superior at Paradise in Michigan's Upper Peninsula. (Alan and Sheila had already planned their first anniversary trip to the same locale, but for a week later.) Highlights included Mackinac Island, Tahquamenon Falls, the Soo Locks, and lunch at the Bavarian Inn in Frankenmuth on the way home. But the biggest highlight was spending time with ten-month-old Maizie!

Any Suggestions?

This summer, I've developed a routine that I've grown to love. At least once a week, usually on my day off, I ride my bike to one of several regional parks that are 10-12 miles from home. I take a backpack with my lunch, plenty of water, my Bible, a pad of paper and sometimes a book or two. I find a picnic table in the shade, usually next to the Huron River or Lake Erie, and spend a couple of unhurried hours in study, prayer, meditation, and relaxation.

But...summer in Michigan doesn't last forever. It will be cold before I know it. I want to continue this routine in some form, but don't know how that will work in the cold weather months. Any suggestions out there? The criteria are: peaceful, relaxing atmosphere; freedom from normal interruptions; low or no cost; with bonus points if it incorporates physical exercise also.

No prize for the winning entry other than my undying gratitude.

Way Too Cute!

You have to click this link and watch the video. Trust me! Yes, it stars my granddaughter Maizie, and yes, all babies have their irresistibly cute moments. But this is one of Maizie's moments. Unless you hate babies, puppies, and cute little bunny rabbits, you'll like this.

Full Disclosure, Please!

At some random moment, a dialog box appears on your computer:

An update is available for Windows MultiMixer Codec Homogenizer for Microsoft Office Depot 2.4. Would you like to install it now? YES NO CANCEL

Now, what I'd like to see would be full disclosure, which would involve a slightly longer message in the dialog box:

An update is available for Windows MultiMixer Codec Homogenizer for Microsoft Office Depot 2.4. This update addresses issues that you will never ever encounter, unless you're running a single-pole mutated asynchronous wireless network in a rarified environment--like say, the moon--while failing to address real issues that we've known about for years: issues that have driven you crazy since the first day you bought this computer--like giving you the "blue screen of death" whenever you're in a huge hurry to get one little tidbit of info off the computer before you rush out the door for an important meeting that you have just enough time to get to. If you choose to install this update, you will immediately surrender control of your computer to the update program for the rest of the day. While it is theoretically possible to keep working on other tasks while the computer updates, let's be real for a moment. Your computer will run slower than cast-iron pantyhose, meaning that you would be more productive to leave your office, drive to Kinko's, do your work there, then take the rest of the day off. If you choose to watch the installation process, a series of green blocks will crawl across your screen, leading you to believe that when they reach the other side, the update will be complete, when in fact that's only phase 1 out of 28, and that took an hour and seventeen minutes, only we're not telling you how many phases there are up front because if we did, you'd hire a hit man to bump off Bill Gates and then come take you out of your misery. At the end of the process, you will be asked to reboot your computer, not once or twice, but once for every year that you didn't donate $2 to the presidential campaign fund on your IRS Form 1040 (don't ask us how we know how many that is; believe us, you wouldn't like the answer). On your next-to-last reboot, you'll get another dialog that tells you that the update failed to install properly and that you should try starting the process again, at which point, your computer will freeze, refusing to respond even to the Ctrl-Alt-Delete command. You will have to unplug the computer and then restart it, causing it to display a nasty message about shutting down Windows properly, and because you didn't, it's going to destroy random pieces of your data, and even at that, for eight weeks, your work will be interrupted every two minutes by a pop-up that asks if you'd like to reboot your computer now. So...you've got to ask yourself a question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya, punk? YES NO CANCEL

My Favorite Awards - 2007 Results Are In!

For get the Oscars, the Grammys, the Emmys, and the Tonys. Forget the Heisman Trophy and all MVP awards. My favorite is the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, in which entrants are challenged to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels. It's named in memory of Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, who opened his 1830 novel, Paul Clifford, with the immortal line, "It was a dark and stormy night."

This year's winner is Jim Gleeson, of Madison, Wisconsin. His winning entry:

Gerald began--but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them "permanently" meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash--to pee.

Catch all the winners at the Bulwer-Lytton Contest's official web site.

Humbling Moments, part 349

So I'm sitting at my desk, preparing Sunday's sermon. I'm surrounded by stacks of books, all filled with profound, if sometimes ponderous, insights. It's 2:00 p.m. on a hot, sticky day and I'm having trouble staying awake. I decide to take a break and go to the gas station next door for a soda. Then it hits me: why should we preachers get upset with our people for sleeping during our sermons when we fall asleep preparing them?

I'm So, So, So Sorry!

• Detroit Tigers' record for the ten games before I praised them on this blog: 8-2


• Detroit Tigers' record for the ten games since I praised them on this blog: 3-7

And while we're at it:

• Combined winning percentage for the Houston Astros and Texas Rangers since July 19 when I made a snotty comment on my daughter's blog about there not being a world-class major-league baseball team anywhere in the state of Texas: .647


• Winning percentage of the Detroit Tigers in the same time span: .300

My sincere apologies to the Tigers and their many loyal fans, who did not ask me to apply the kiss of death to their team.

Michigan in the Summertime

Warm days, cool nights, bright sunshine. Turn off the A/C and open up the windows. Wake up just cool enough that the coffee feels s-o-o-o-o good going down. Enjoy every evening with a pleasant breeze wafting through the house. If it weren't for winter, everyone would live here!

5-Day Forecast for ZIP Code 48183

Saturday	Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday
75° F | 56° F 24° C | 13° C	80° F | 59° F 27° C | 15° C	82° F | 61° F 28° C | 16° C	83° F | 63° F 28° C | 17° C	86° F | 64° F 30° C | 18° C
Clear	Clear	Partly Cloudy	Partly Cloudy	Partly Cloudy
Detail	Detail	Detail	Detail	Detail

Hear the Roar!

It's time for me to post about the Detroit Tigers! In spite of injuries to key players all year, they now have the best record in baseball. The three-game sweep of Minnesota was impressive. All three games won by a single run. All three in the Metrodome, which has been Dead Man's Gulch to the Tigers for years. With 32 wins on the road, we're not that anxious for them to return home!

Of course, it's a long season and we're nowhere near the end of it. Those pesky Cleveland Indians are hanging right in there, a mere two games behind. If Cleveland were in any of four other divisions, they'd be in first place. The tight pennant race between these two Lake Erie rivals has made for a riveting season.

So, thank you Tigers for all the heart and determination you shown us so far this year. Here's wishing and hoping for another shot at the fall classic!

More Maizie!

A totally gratuitous picture of my granddaughter Maizie. You can see more of her (and read hilarious commentary from a sometimes insecure but amazingly wise first-time mom) on Caren's blog.

Missed Another One

I'm not a trend setter. I'm not much of a trend follower. I'm not even a very good trend observer. One sure sign that a trend is about to die is when I finally notice it and get on board. (I bought a leisure suit once. Yep, it was two days before "leisure suit" became a universally accepted synonym for "dork.")

So the fact that I've recently noticed several new cars painted a rust orange color may not mean much, trend-wise. Therefore, let me ask a few questions:

1. Is this a trend?
2. If so, has it been around a long time and I'm just noticing it?
3. Is it a nation-wide trend, or just here in Michigan where the road salt is going to eventually turn all cars that color?
   

Oh, De Doo-Dah News!

Actual headlines from the Detroit Free Press that can be sung to the tune of "Camptown Races" (followed, of course, by "doo-dah, doo-dah").

• School board fails to vote again
• Yankees 2, Athletics 1
• Longtime movie critic dead
• Tigers trade for bullpen help
• Future nurses go to camp
• Phelps ends meet with three more wins
• Where to see red, white and boom
• Weak link in Katrina fix
• Cemetery suspect stuck
• Miller, Grilli come up short
• Chrysler's China plan a go
• Bystander dies; woman sought