Pain and Joy

Last week, we were in Santa Monica, California to attend a memorial gathering for our foster son, Bruce Shaffer (pictured at right), who took his life a year ago. I'm glad we went. Maybe you think that such a trip would be filled with pain and sorrow. Yes, there were tears. Bruce's suicide was just the latest in a life puncuated by tragic events. We mourned for him and grieved over our mutual loss. But there were smiles and laughter and lots of love and warmth too. In between the tragic events of Bruce's life, there were times of great joy. All of us who had a part in his life were able to share our joy at having known him.

All children are unique mixtures of pain and joy. They are conceived in joy and born through pain. You cannot be a parent without signing up for hurt, worry, conflict, heartache and grief. But it's not all pain; there are some pretty incredible joys embedded in the experience as well. We paid a heavy price for bringing Bruce into our lives. He hurt Cheryl and me. He hurt our biological children. He cost us dearly, both financially and emotionally. At the memorial gathering, there were lots of others who had paid dearly for their emotional investment in Bruce. But the overriding tone of the gathering was neither bitterness nor outrage. Was it because the joy Bruce brought us was so much greater than the pain? I can't say that for sure; I don't know how to weigh such things. I do know that we all owned and embraced both the pain and the joy, and God made it into a good--and healing--thing.

I'm leaving tomorrow for a quick trip to Cincinnati to be reunited with Tina Sherman, another of our foster kids. Tina's youngest sister, Jackie was killed in a tragic auto accident last week, and I'll be conducting the funeral. It will be good to be with Tina and her family again. But my heart breaks for their loss. Pain and joy, mixed together once again.