Corn-Crazed Ducks

The gas station next to our church sells the Woods-N-Water News, which calls itself "Michigan's Premier Outdoor Publication." Like most magazines, its cover is filled with teaser headlines intended to persuade browsers fork over $3 for the whole issue. I resisted the temptation, even with teasers like (and I am not making these up) "The Estrous Doe," and "The Timing of the Rut." But the December issue got me with "Corn Crazed Ducks." Yep, I'm $3 poorer now.

I opened the News in eager anticipation of learning that corn is some kind of duck aphrodisiac, or at least duck cocaine. I had visions of ducks hopped up on corn knocking over their local 7-11s at 3 a.m., or pulling loony antics that would make that AFLAC character look lame. At the very least, I envisioned a circle of ducks sitting around late at night in a dorm room, eating popcorn, telling stupid jokes, and just quacking up.

No such luck. Turns out, the headline writers for the News are significantly more creative than their article writers. I read the whole corn and duck article, waking up periodically to check the date. The simple truth is that ducks are attracted to flooded corn fields (although "stubble corn ranks very high too"). Corn doesn't make ducks crazy, except in the sense of inviting them to hang out in a place where the readers of Michigan's Premier Outdoor Publication can end their sad little duck lives.

This is not to say that I'm disappointed in my $3 investment. There were plenty of other fascinating articles, such as "Pre-Ice Holiday Crappie." I'd really never thought of it before, but y'know, nothing says, "Happy Holidays" quite like pre-ice crappie. And there were convicting, consciousness-raising peices like, "Must we bait to achieve an adequate deer harvest?" There was a well-reasoned article that showed how getting separated from your boat without a life jacket can lead to death. Right now, I'm guffawing my way through "More Hilarious U.P. Stories." Just an excerpt: "One local old-timer quipped, 'I think those bucks unscrewed their horns after the first day and hid them under a stump. All I see is does!'" (I think the humor here is that the word "does," in addition to being the plural form of the term for female deer, is also the present active particulate gerrymander of the verb, "to do." Example: "I does see does.")

So, will I continue to purchase the Woods-N-Water News? Probably not, but if anyone wants to give me a gift subscription for Christmas, that would just be ducky.